The Crow Chronicles

I've tried to balance out this blog between my life and music.

Two aren't mutually exclusive, as the soundtrack of my life continues to evolve and expand. The first memories I have are big stacks of records in the 3 bedroom townhouse my family and I shared in the projects in Baltimore. Those records were an eclectic mix of musical styles from The Sugar Hill Gang to Kenny Rogers to Diana Ross. Each record reflected a diversity of styles and interests that my big family had. I absorb music and file it mentally to be able to pull it out later and wrap myself up in the memories of what those songs meant when the world is mean, cold and cruel.Each major milestone in my life had a song or album associated with it. I remember the first time I had my heart broken, and listening to Aretha Franklin's Ain't No Way on repeat for a week. I have vivid memories of driving around with the crew in Chris' green Honda Accord, blasting Lil' Kim and the feeling of total freedom and joy that being young and surrounded by your friends brings. I remember the late nights of dancing to house music and hip hop in my 20s, listening to a lot of gospel after my grandmothers death. I remember making a playlist of my favorite love songs and giving it to the last person I fell in love with. Not necessarily things I was feeling at that moment, but songs that spoke of my optimism of what we were going to do and be in the future. I'd play these songs often to keep me focused on why I fought so hard for that love. I'd create other playlists and send them to remind my love of who I was and what I wanted. I thought that this would be the soundtrack of our life together. And then the music stopped...

These past few months, my soundtrack has consisted of a lot of sad breakup songs. Emotional torch ballads about love lost and hearts broken. I lost what I thought was everything. After a breakup, it's natural to want to sit and mope. And mope I did. I beat myself up for not being enough for someone and had songs (and liquor) to help the process. I've zoned out to Billie Holiday's You Don't Know What Love Is, cried to Aretha's Drown In My Own Tears and drank my sorrows away to Erykah Badu's Green Eyes. My love lost, my soul hurting, my mind racing - all comforted by the sounds and melodies coming from my ipod. But after awhile that pain goes away.

I've now decided to change the record. I chose to listen to songs that explore love, sexuality and joy. Three things that I lost somewhere along the way. I create playlists and mixes that reflect where I want to be and what I want my life to be. "Cherish the Day" as Sade sings. "Optimistic" like the Sounds of Blackness. "Enjoy" the way Janet coos about. I've remixed my life and fell back in love with music and myself. Pain is a memory and I'll file those songs away for another day when I can just hear them, smile and say "Thank God for deliverance".

Clarity at times can be both a blessing and curse. The idea of absolute understanding, or at least enough to grasp the truth of who and what you are is a fantastic gift. When you are able to get past the external voices that sometimes cloud your heart and mind, and hear only the voice that remains, it reaffirms your belief in self and in the creator. You're able to breathe and stand firm in your light, bask in the glory of all that is to come.

It also becomes a curse as you lose the ability to just simply "tolerate" or go with the flow. You no longer suffer fools or have associates. The moment when your truth becomes clear, you can't just exist. You now have no choice but to live. The hardest part of this new found awareness is that you rethink all that you may have done and chosen in the past. You questions friendships and what you thought love was. You rethink everything that took place in relationships - and whether or not what you thought was real was just something that you created to make yourself feel whatever it was you were supposed to.

I've started to see the sun again. My smile has returned and my heart is beating as it used to. I no longer feel the need to replace or erase, but to simply walk tall. The love that I crave the most is my own. I find joy in the things I used to do, performing and writing and really listening to music. I am once again connected to my mind and body and I see the beauty in the right now, instead of always looking to get beyond something. I am grateful for all that has happened over the past year, good, bad and ugly. For the gift and curse of being clear.

Hands up
If you with me, put your hands up
Hands up
Wait a minute, wait a minute ya'll

They told me love was simply not enough
With all that we've been through
We should give it up

Why sweat and cry
Just leave and make it easy
I told 'em it would hurt me worse
But they just don't believe me

Been locked up, bailed out
Broke, overdrawn
Staying at my momma's house
Ya'll don't know what I'm talking bout
Like gangstas we gon strap up for this war
And I'd die for mine
Cause you're worth fighting for

Can't nobody tell me bout this here (oh no)
Now let me make it clear (I won't)
Let everything we've done in the name of us (us)
Done in the name of love (love)
Be nothing

So I'm a fight for you
You gon fight for me
I'm a fight for you
That's how it's gon be
We gon fight

Why trip on conversations bout our past
Like we didn't make it
Like we didn't man up and take it
Straight up I'm with you
We go back like Philip Bailey
I know I'm crazy
That's how you made me

Been locked up, bailed out
Broke, overdrawn
Staying at my momma's house
Ya'll don't know what I'm talking bout
Like gangstas we gon strap up for this war
And I'd die for mine
Cause you're worth fighting for

Can't nobody tell me bout this here (oh no)
And let me make it clear (I won't)
Let everything we've done in the name of us (us)
Done in the name of love (love)
Be nothing

I'm gon fight for you
You gon fight for me
I'm gon fight for you
And that's how it's gon be
We gon fight

Fight because we should
On everything that's good
I can't leave
(We've come too far to turn back)
And to the haters that we shook
Giving us dirty looks
Watch and see
(No matter what goes)
(No matter what stays)
Ain't gon let nobody tear us down
We're going all twelve rounds
Let's put 'em up (no)
No giving up (we)
We gon make it just because
We gon fight for love

Can't nobody tell me bout this here (oh no)
And let me make it clear (I won't)
Let everything we've done in the name of us (us)
Done in the name of love (love)
Be nothing


I'm gon fight for you
You gon fight for me
I'm gon fight for you
I'm gon fight
I'm gon fight
That's how it's gon be
That's how it's gon be
We gon fight

We gon fight
Holla if you hear me
We gon fight
This thing is getting rid of me
We gon fight
Put ya hand up if you feel me
We gon fight

I’ve come to understand that love, in all its glory and all its pain isn’t about expectation, but actions. You can’t just sit back and think you deserve to be loved and it will be so. Love is an active thing, a contact sport to quote Ms. Houston. When love is real and true it speaks to the core of your being and embeds itself in your spirit. True love is that feeling you can’t shake – you can’t walk away from. And when you come to the realization that you feel that way about someone who doesn’t feel that way about you – but someone else, you have to accept that you have to stop wasting your good love. I accept my truth and am better for this.

Ain't no talkin to this man
Ain't no pretty other side
Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat, and I already tried all that so
I'm gonna let him fly
Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you can't recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said I'm gonna let him fly

There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Of the choices we are given it's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away
But you must always know how long to stay and when to go

And there ain't no talkin to this man
He's been tryin to tell me so
It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly